emotional.

so, tonight i went to a dance class. and had a horrible time. it really made me feel worse than i've felt in months. it was a "drop-in" only class - and was supposed to be a kind of "fundamentals" hip-hop class. nothing about that speed of that class was "fundamental". And i'd say 90% of the class members were very OBVIOUSLY dancers - people who picked up on steps immediately. So i just ended up feeling humiliated and frustrated and STUPID for an hour and a half. feeling stupid is about the worst feeling in the world to me, one of the cons of being an over-achiever i suppose, but i just really don't take it well. and i felt like the (stupid-)fat-girl in class which is an image/idea that has kept me away from more gyms/classes/physical-activities than i can count. and i feel like i've finally really started to get over that, and to have it shoved back in my face in a definitive kind of way was really really just horrible. it made me angry at myself, angry at the studio for posting it in a way that was misleading, and angry at jayne as well (although i know she meant well and only wanted me to have a good time) for not realizing the class for being as advanced as it was. you should take into account difference between skill levels of the friend and the class before you invite someone. and perhaps the emotional tolerance for mistakes. i'm sure some people could have just laughed it off as an "experience," but i kind of think i'm obviously not one of those people. i'm too uptight.

so. that made me really emotional on the way home. really angry and hurt and just... yeah, emotional in generally negative ways.

but in a way i liked it, being really angry and feeling kind of justified about it. and assume that others do too. I tried to hold on to my anger the entire way home. I feel like we spend so much time trying to be mellow or agreeable in normal life than when we have a really genuinely strong emotion, we try and hold on to it as long as possible. I think it's less noticeable when you're happy - as it seems natural to continue to want to be happy. but to continue to want to be miserable seems a bit odd. i don't think its all that uncommon though. (maybe i'm wrong, and just a masochist at heart. entirely possible. your comments on this are appreciated. on whether you feel the same or not. not whether or not i'm a masochist.)

its kind of like life trying to imitate art (after it has imitated life). All of our media/visual arts/audial arts/literature etc. focuses on emotions and emotional responses, and then our lives are often so emotionally dull (perhaps only outwardly) that when a strong emotion (like those that inspire art) takes hold of us, we (i) try to hold on to it because it makes us feel more human? more normal? I'm not really sure. But i know that i like being (justifiably) emotional. A lot.

So that was kind of my first hypothesis on the way home. but now i think the art thing is kind of crap. maybe true, but if it is its just an extra reflection of our original desires. Arts wouldn't focus on things like that if they weren't innate to our beings, i don't think.

Its probably just a release of energy. There is probably some scientific reason for it all.
I hate science.
I like emotions better. I like art better.


good thing i work at a physics lab. hahaha.


this was long. i could go on, but i wont.
being emotional made me want to listen to peter gabriel.