Heidi and I Cleaned Yesterday

emotional.

so, tonight i went to a dance class. and had a horrible time. it really made me feel worse than i've felt in months. it was a "drop-in" only class - and was supposed to be a kind of "fundamentals" hip-hop class. nothing about that speed of that class was "fundamental". And i'd say 90% of the class members were very OBVIOUSLY dancers - people who picked up on steps immediately. So i just ended up feeling humiliated and frustrated and STUPID for an hour and a half. feeling stupid is about the worst feeling in the world to me, one of the cons of being an over-achiever i suppose, but i just really don't take it well. and i felt like the (stupid-)fat-girl in class which is an image/idea that has kept me away from more gyms/classes/physical-activities than i can count. and i feel like i've finally really started to get over that, and to have it shoved back in my face in a definitive kind of way was really really just horrible. it made me angry at myself, angry at the studio for posting it in a way that was misleading, and angry at jayne as well (although i know she meant well and only wanted me to have a good time) for not realizing the class for being as advanced as it was. you should take into account difference between skill levels of the friend and the class before you invite someone. and perhaps the emotional tolerance for mistakes. i'm sure some people could have just laughed it off as an "experience," but i kind of think i'm obviously not one of those people. i'm too uptight.

so. that made me really emotional on the way home. really angry and hurt and just... yeah, emotional in generally negative ways.

but in a way i liked it, being really angry and feeling kind of justified about it. and assume that others do too. I tried to hold on to my anger the entire way home. I feel like we spend so much time trying to be mellow or agreeable in normal life than when we have a really genuinely strong emotion, we try and hold on to it as long as possible. I think it's less noticeable when you're happy - as it seems natural to continue to want to be happy. but to continue to want to be miserable seems a bit odd. i don't think its all that uncommon though. (maybe i'm wrong, and just a masochist at heart. entirely possible. your comments on this are appreciated. on whether you feel the same or not. not whether or not i'm a masochist.)

its kind of like life trying to imitate art (after it has imitated life). All of our media/visual arts/audial arts/literature etc. focuses on emotions and emotional responses, and then our lives are often so emotionally dull (perhaps only outwardly) that when a strong emotion (like those that inspire art) takes hold of us, we (i) try to hold on to it because it makes us feel more human? more normal? I'm not really sure. But i know that i like being (justifiably) emotional. A lot.

So that was kind of my first hypothesis on the way home. but now i think the art thing is kind of crap. maybe true, but if it is its just an extra reflection of our original desires. Arts wouldn't focus on things like that if they weren't innate to our beings, i don't think.

Its probably just a release of energy. There is probably some scientific reason for it all.
I hate science.
I like emotions better. I like art better.


good thing i work at a physics lab. hahaha.


this was long. i could go on, but i wont.
being emotional made me want to listen to peter gabriel.

Heidi is being a GiggleMuffin

because of her "boyfriend." Thats only in quotes because she has such a hard time saying it that i couldn't imagine just writing it out plainly.

They made real soup earlier. I poured potato soup out of a can. and added cheese. it was good. and creamy.

work is overwhelming in some senses, mostly in the grander scheme of what they want me to do in the future. But i still like it, i just don't like having two bosses who have very different opinions about how to manage employees. (one is very 'big-picture' and the other is very task oriented. i'm okay with either, but trying to manage the two is a bit trying.)

And i finally broke my record! Sweeney Todd has trumped the Matrix (6 times) for most viewings in a theater with 7 times!!! (it will be 8 or more if i can convince other people to go see it). I really really love that movie. its so me i realized - very macabre and kind of goth-y, but at the same time a FucKinG MUSICAL. So FANTASTIC. and helena bonham carter is so pretty. and i want her costumes from the film.

aaaaaaaaaand.... i'm kind of cold. wearing a hat inside the house.

oh - kitcat is good. He's a normal spazzy young cat (been especially bite-y today...) but he is really sweet sometimes and kind of sounds like he's dying when he meows, which is as adorable as it is annoying. Otter Rosencrantz Kent is a pretty fantastic name, though. Cat names are so fun.

I feel like reading Heinlein.... and Hitchhiker's Guide. I'm in the mood for some science fiction, i guess.

ok. i guess i'm done with the random updates and comments for now.

Christmas in Georgia (highlight photos)

my parents expressing their general attitudes towards life.

i love abby's pose, and i'm still amazed that i managed to get such a good picture of tucker.

abby fastening the bracelet my mom gave to jane. i like the old/young hands contrast.

my father and his brother battling on Wii Baseball, while my great aunt Virginia watches. They got a bit competitive. 'Twas funny.

my cousin Matt practicing child abuse on my first cousin Faith... or at least that was the blackmail purposes of this photo. They were great hams for the camera.
I really hope everyone reads the caption for this.
Face off!

my grandpa and his wife jane. they're great together.

my mommy says goodbye to her daddy. thought it was sweet.



these are just some of my favorite pics from the trip. i took a BUNCH.
(they're all on my flickr page - there should be a link in the right column)

Overall, christmas was good, better than i had expected.
:)

this was stupid fun.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1514155777

i hope all four are there.

is it narcissistic to make 4 elves of yourself?

W T F.

the people upstairs are apparently OCfuckingD about vacuuming.
its like the "if i had a hammer" song, only with a fucking VACUUM.
in the morning in the evening all day long with a vacuum suck suck sucking above my head.
blahhhhhhhhhhhhhgr.

My LiP

is split open in the corner from being chapped and me chewing on it.
i feel like i'm anywhere from 7 to 14 years old.
i had very chapped lips as a child.
mostly because i liked to pull them apart and make them split open and BLEED in front of all the other girls in my classes to watch them go "ohhh ... EWWWWWW oh . my . god . thatsdisgusting"

i thought it was hysterical.

its less funny now that i'm grown and i just kind of look like i got in a lame fight.

but i still kind of like it.

mmmm, blood.